Posts tagged step parenting

Thank you for choosing to be my dad



Bill Eyster has been executive vice-president of FamilyLife since 2006. That Thanksgiving, he wrote this tribute to his stepfather, Dr. Alvin L. Morris, but felt it would be better to deliver it the following June to honor him on his 80th birthday.

Al Morris passed away October 10, 2013. Since then, Bill has felt led to move his family back to Kentucky so he can care for his mother, Beverly.

choosing to be my dad

Beverly and Al Morris

I know you don’t want a big deal made of your birthday and that speaks to the kind of man that you are, but this is as much for the rest of the family as it is for you. I want them to know …what I have come to know, understand, and appreciate about you.

I think it’s important that the grandchildren recognize the legacy that their grandfather passes on. They need to know the impact you have made on my life. So, Al, please humor me and allow me to tell you how much you mean to me.

Al, you are intentional about everything and when you married my mother you knew what you were stepping into.

At age 13, I had been filling the self-imposed role of “man of the house” for close to four years. When you came on the scene and began to date my mother you were able to see first hand how broken I was.

You saw my anger, my rebelliousness, and my bad choices.  You witnessed crushed tables, all night outings, and other such challenges. But, because of your love for my mother, you chose to marry her and intentionally accepted the responsibility of raising an independent 6-foot-tall, 13 year old boy that was full of anger.

The challenges with me didn’t stop there. I was running hard and a living example of a rebellious “red headed stepchild.” You experienced late nights, bad grades, disrespect, ill gotten speakers, a trashed brand-new RV, “borrowed” cars, unauthorized parties, and a continually bad attitude. It’s not lost to me that you had already raised three great children and yet you accepted the responsibility for raising me.

In the 32 years I have had the privilege of being your son …

  • I have seen what it means to be a man of integrity,
  • I have seen what it means for a man to love his wife,
  • I have seen the importance of family,
  • I have seen hard work and dedication,
  • I have seen a man who loves the Lord,
  • I have felt acceptance … I have felt loved.

As I have gotten older and closer to the age at which you made this choice, I marvel. Through it all you never treated me or made me feel like a stepchild. You set high standards and challenged me to meet them. You selflessly and intentionally accepted me, loved me, and cared for me. You were always there.

As I have grown in my faith, I realize how God put you in my life to play a major part in making me the man, the husband, and the father that I am today. I thank God each day for you and want you to know I am deeply grateful for your love, for your acceptance, and for choosing to be my dad.

— I love you.

Your Son — Bill

_____

If you haven’t written a tribute to your parents, we’d encourage you to do it while you still can. If you need help, check out our free resource The Best Gift You Can Give Your Parents, or get Dennis Rainey’s bookThe Forgotten Commandment.  

If you’ve given your parents a tribute that you’d like to share with the readers of Stepping Up, we’d love to hear about it. Whether it’s something you’ve written or recorded on audio or video, just Contact Us here.

8 tools for stepdads



Anyone who has been a father and then a stepfather knows that they aren’t the same.  While many aspects of these two roles are similar, it is the unique ones that lead to disillusionment.  As one stepfather said, “I’ve studied fathering with my men’s group many times.  But nothing has prepared me for being a stepfather.  With my own kids I have a natural leadership authority that allows me to teach them and be directive.  With my stepchildren I constantly feel like I’m one step behind, like I have to establish myself each time I engage them.”

Stepfathering can be challenging.  Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities. The unmapped territory seems to have many land minds and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.”  But stepfathers can have profound and important leadership roles with stepchildren.  Like Joseph, who wasn’t Jesus’ biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care.

All stepparents need to understand the emotional condition of their stepchildren.  For example, being aware of the child’s emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies.  To learn more about this dynamic, read this series of articles on Smart Stepparenting.

It is also very important for stepfathers to recognize that gaining respect and leadership from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust and connection with stepchildren. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child’s life as an “outsider” who slowly finds acceptance, at the child’s pace.

For many men it is very disturbing to realize that their stepchildren get to determine the pace at which they find acceptance within the family.  And it’s true — you don’t get to control your parental status — the children do.  They will open their hearts to you when they are ready.  Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is.  Here are some tools that might help.

1. Initially, provide indirect leadership

There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships: 1) positional power and 2) relational power.  Initially, as a stepfather, you have positional power because you are an adult in the house who is married to the children’s mother.  Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power.  As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally.  Your opinions matter more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe.

In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide indirect leadership in their homes by leading through their wives who hold a great deal of relational power with the children. Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home.  While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.

2. Express your commitment to your stepchildren’s mother

Keep in mind that early on this may not be considered positive by your stepchildren.  In fact, they may be threatened by it. Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.

Additionally, mom’s remarriage (whether following a death or divorce) is often perceived as another loss to children, not a gain (as you see it).  Be patient with their adjustment to your marriage, but communicate your commitment to the permanency of the marriage nevertheless.

3. Communicate your role

It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role.  Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place.  Communicating that same understanding to their father is also very helpful to him; hopefully this will help him to not fear your involvement with his kids. As his fear decreases, his cooperative spirit about your presence may increase.

Finally, tell your stepkids that you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for the child.  Let them know that if they feel stuck between you and their dad, they can make you aware of it and it won’t hurt your feelings.

4. Be a spiritual leader

Many stepfathers discover that sharing faith-matters is, in addition to spiritual training for the child, a good way to connect emotionally.  Processing the moral content of a TV program or “thinking out loud” about your decision not to spend money on a bigger fishing boat helps children see your character and learn important spiritual values at the same time.  Show them you are a person worthy of respect and they’ll eventually give you respect.

5. Be approachable

As a therapist, I always know I’m going to have a tough time helping a family when the stepfather is defensive and easily hurt by the typical reactions of stepchildren.  Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you.  In fact, most of a kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for child’s heartache).

Until you have worked through the struggles of building a relationship, most of what a kid throws at you is a test of your character.  Show yourself not easily offended and able to deal with their emotional ups and downs.  This will make it more likely that they see you as someone they can trust.

6. Show appreciation

If you want to win someone’s heart, give them a thousand compliments (even when they aren’t asking for it).  Showing appreciation is the quickest way to build someone up and help them to feel comfortable in your presence.  By contrast, be cautious with criticism.  Words of affirmation go a long way to engendering safety and closeness.

7. Spend time together

Find time to be with your stepchildren, but do so with wisdom.  If a child does not welcome your presence, join his life at a distance.  This means taking them to their soccer game and cheering from the sidelines, but not being too much of a coach.  It also means knowing what’s important to him and gently inquiring with interest: “You studied for three hours last night for that science exam.  How did it go?”  “I know you’ve got a big date this Friday.  I noticed a concert in the paper today that you might consider attending.  I think she’d like this, but it’s your call whether you go.”

Also, if you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there.  Don’t disappoint a child who is deciding whether to let you into their heart.

As your relationship grows, you can spend one-on-one time with the child, go on special retreats together, and serve side-by-side in your church’s summer work camp.  Focused time will deepen the trust and emotional bond in your relationship.

8. Manage your stress and anger

Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do).  But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents.  When stress and conflict arise (and they will!) make sure you manage yourself well.

The child’s assessment of your character won’t include how they contributed to the conflict, even if they intentionally “pushed you.”  All they will see is an angry person.  Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk.  Give them every reason to believe it is.

This, of course, does not mean that you can’t ever get angry or stressed.  But it does mean that you manage your emotions and not overreact toward the child or her mother.  Communicate through your actions that it is safe for the child to be vulnerable around you and you’ll notice her softening with time.

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