Posts tagged raising daughters

4 things daughters need from dad



News flash: parenting is demanding work.  Always has been, always will be.

Part of the reason it’s difficult is that the moment that tiny person appears, we suddenly no longer come first in our self-centered little world.  This precious bundle of burping, crying, sleepless joy now comes first.

4 things daughters needAs dads, it can be a challenge to know how to nurture these adorable beings overflowing with feisty, fragile femininity.  Many of us are still dealing with our own wounds from childhood while fighting every day just to protect our manliness in a world that seems hell-bent on attacking every corner of our hearts.

And it’s hard enough to deal with testosterone, a fairly familiar and predictable substance; now we’re expected to deal skillfully with this utterly foreign material called estrogen? Just the thought of it can be emotionally exhausting, especially for someone like me who usually just wants to be left alone to retreat into a dark, silent man cave at the end of the day.

Yet that is our calling, and these precious warrior princesses deserve nothing less than everything God has purposed for them to receive from their daddies.  And no, I’m not talking about pink bikes, ballet lessons, and Frozen-themed parties.  I’m talking about four things that our daughters need from their earthly fathers to know, deep down in their souls, that they are truly cherished and beloved.

The best part?  These four things don’t require complicated strategies or hours-long time blocks.  They can be done in small doses in everyday moments.

4 Things Daughters Need From Their Dads
1. Time

Sounds simple.  But in our digitally distracted, turbocharged lives, time is the scarcest of resources.  How much of it we do (or do not) give to our daughters speaks volumes to them about their value in our eyes.

And here’s something I’ve been learning about time: we can’t fracture it, splice it, dice it, or multitask it if we want it to be quality.  We’re either all in or all out from our children’s perspective.

One of the saddest images to me is one I see at the playground: the checked-out parent, eyes down on the smartphone, trailing their toddler around the park, texting between swing pushes.  That’s not presence.  That’s not attention.  That’s not being all in.  And it’s easy to fall into; trust me, I get it.  It’s one of the reasons my wife and I created three “no phone zones” as parents: the dinner table, the playroom floor, and the playground.

And if your daughter’s love language is quality time, this becomes even more important.  The other weekend, my four-year-old wanted to play dolls, so we sat on the floor and played with the dollhouse for thirty minutes.  The next morning, before she even came downstairs, she yelled to me, “Daddy, can we play dolls again?”  It’s not so much that she wanted to play dolls — it’s that she wanted to feel more of daddy’s love.  I’m just glad I had ears to hear in that moment what she was really asking me for.

They say kids spell love “T-I-M-E.”  Dads, let’s give it to our daughters.  Let’s be present, so they can truly believe that there is a Heavenly Father Who is their strength and “a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1).

2. Talk

Words matter.  In fact, words are power.  God created the cosmos through words.  Similarly, as fathers we are continuously shaping our daughters through our words.  Positive, affirming words are, in a very real way, infusing our girls with power and strength.

Conversely, harsh, negative words and criticism are sucking strength right out of them and bruising them in profound ways.  And an absence of communication altogether can be just as harmful. A cruel, cynical, sexually violent world is waiting to step into that void.

Let’s secure the perimeter of our daughters’ hearts by talking about their uniqueness, our love for them, and God’s delight in them continually (as in, “when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7).

And, by the way, tell stories. Talk about your childhood.  Talk about Grandpa in the war.  Talk about the day your daughter was born.  Research has shown that kids who hear stories from their parents are more resilient and confident as they go out in the world.  Tell them your stories, so that they can understand their own vital role in the beautiful narrative God is crafting around them.

3. Touch

As far as I can tell, the answer to the question, “What is my oldest daughter’s love language?” is … all of them.

Without a doubt, though, physical touch ranks highly.  When I hold her gently and tickle her arms and back, I can describe it only as her melting in my lap.  All of the anxious energy seems to dissipate as she goes limp in peaceful repose.

That’s what appropriate and loving physical touch can do.  Oxytocin is the hormone released when humans engage in loving, gentle touch, like hugging, kissing, holding hands. It’s sometimes called “the bonding hormone.”  It truly binds us together, and a lack of it, like a lack of affirming words, can create a void that inhibits trusting, intimate relationships throughout life.

Research has even shown that the more healthy touch that kids experience from their parents, the more uncomfortable any unwanted touch from others feels to them.  In a world that is daily trying to molest our kids, mentally and physically, holding our daughters’ hands and hugging them in our arms is, in a very real way, protecting them from harm.

What better way to model for them their Heavenly Father, who gathers his children “in his arms and carries them close to his heart” (Isaiah 40:11)?

4. Tenderness

All three of these needs — time, talk, and touch — require the common element of tenderness.  In some ways, this is the hardest thing for me as a father.  It seems every day there are moments where I simply am not tender — I was too harsh, too terse, too indifferent.  Sometimes it’s my speech. Sometimes it’s just because I’m tired.  But that’s what love ultimately is: dying to my own needs and desires and putting those of my daughters first.

Often, I’m not as tender as I should be because I forget how delicate their hearts are.  You’d think after fifteen years of marriage I’d be cognizant every moment that no matter how tough, independent, and formidable my wife and daughters may be externally, internally their feminine soul will respond only to tenderness from me (see Hosea 2:14).

But, I forget.  I make mistakes.  I blow it.  Maybe you do too. And even though we’re imperfect, we serve a redeeming Father Who is perfect, and He gives us grace to give our daughters more time, more talk, more touch, and more tenderness tomorrow.

Ultimately, that’s the most important thing, because just like us, they’ll blow it too.  As I learned at the roller-skating rink the other week, they will fall down, often, and our job is to help them up tenderly, tell them they can do it, and hold their hands as we take baby steps forward together.  And if an afternoon roller-skating is in any way an accurate metaphor for life, I can promise you that the bruises and scrapes will be far outweighed by the joy and delight we’ll experience … hand-in-hand with our daughters.

@2015 by pureHOPE. Used with permission

BoucheMugNoel Bouché serves as the president of pureHOPE. His passionate focus is to inspire and equip followers of Jesus to pursue a world free of sexual exploitation and brokenness through personal transformation and community collaboration. He holds a law degree from The University of Texas, and an undergraduate degree from South Dakota State University, where he was quarterback. Noel and Vanessa live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area with their two daughters.

STEPSeek - 10-point checklist

You just finished reading “4 things daughters need from dad,” by guest blogger Noel Bouché of pureHOPE.

STEPThink - 10-point checklistIf you have a daughter, which of the 4 do you do the best? Which can use the most work? Focus on that today.

STEPEmbrace - 10-point checklistDr. Meg Meeker helps dads improve the bond with their daughters on this 3-part broad-cast on FamilyLife Today.

STEPPass - 10-point checklistDan Bolin gives 10 great ideas on “How to be Your Daughter’s Daddy.” Try some out in your home this week.

Interviewing Mister Maybe



This summer, I gave my two oldest daughters away in marriage to men who last year had asked for my blessing.

Today, I’m getting together with another young man, who has asked to date my youngest daughter. He’s the first one.

DaddyDaughterHandYou would think this would be old hat for me by now, but I’m still nervous and a bit unsure. I mean, talking about purity and honor is not the typical conversation you’d strike up with a relative stranger who’s 40 years your junior. But I’m also convinced that this is one of the best things I can do for any young man who has an interest in my daughter.

It’s not a “patriarchal” thing or a control thing. It’s really more about love and stewardship; about giving guidance and bestowing value.

Based on my experience, this guy probably won’t be the one who marries my daughter one day—the first one usually isn’t. But he might be. I want him to know that he needs to treat my daughter with the same honor that I treat her, and that I treat my wife. If he’s not the one who will marry my daughter, I still know that my daughter will likely marry some day, and the young man I’m meeting with today is likely to marry another young lady. So as early as this weekend, this boy and my daughter will each be on a date with somebody’s future spouse.

If marriage is years off for the two of them, why focus on that right now? Because in a woman’s search for Mr. Right, there are a lot of Mr. Wrongs who are more than willing to burden her with their baggage—some of which she’ll carry with her into marriage. But, mostly, it’s a focus because marriage is a good standard by which to teach relationship integrity.

Interviewing Mister Maybe

Before you get the idea that I’m going to screen this boy as a possible life-suitor or that I’m going to torture him with the third degree, it’s nothing like that. It will just be a friendly conversation over ice cream or a shake where we get to know each other and freely talk about our intentions and expectations. I’ll let him know that I’m not just interested in my daughter’s welfare, but his as well. He’ll know that my intentions are completely honorable. If I find that his aren’t, it will be a short meeting. If his are honorable, it should be a good time.

I’ll ask him about his family, about himself, and about his interests, including my daughter. I’ll compliment him on his taste in young ladies, and I’ll tell how much I think of her as well. I’ll let him know that I’ve given my life to protecting her and helping her become the young woman God created her to be. I’ll let him know that in giving him permission to date her, I’m also entrusting to him the responsibility of respecting her moral purity and putting her before himself.

I want him to respect her. I want him to respect me. But I also want him to respect himself. As a man-in-training, he needs to strive toward nobler standards of selflessness, protection and thoughtfulness. I want him to know that I’m calling him up, maybe even to be better than he thinks he can be. I want to call him up to be his best, just as his own dad would.

I actually did this with the youngest of my four sons when he first started dating. I met with the father of the girl he was dating and told him what standards I expected of my son in how he treated his daughter. I even gave him a copy of the book that inspired me to meet with any boy who was interested in any of my daughters.

Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date is a really quick read that’s encouraging and practical. Dennis Rainey gives dads eight points to cover in the interview that turn what otherwise would be an uncomfortable chat into a vision-building call to manhood.

  1. A woman is God’s creation, a beautiful creation, a fine creation.
  2. The attraction of a young man to a young woman is both normal and good,
  3. I understand and remember what the sex drive of a young man is like.
  4. I am going to hold you accountable for your relationship with my daughter.
  5. I’m going to challenge you to purity.
  6. I want you to respect and uphold the dignity of my daughter by keeping your hands off her.
  7. Do you understand all of what I’ve just said to you?
  8. When you’re a dad someday, I hope you will challenge your own children to abide by these standards and that you will interview your daughter’s dates. Can I count on you?

The book has more detail, including a sample conversation. It also includes personal reflections from Dennis based on the dozens of interviews he’s done, and thanks from his daughters who have avoided carrying baggage into their marriages.

I want my daughters to know that I value them and am willing to fight for them, and I want them each to find a lifelong spouse who will do the same. But above that, I want them to know that they’re valued infinitely more by their Heavenly Father who sees them for all their beauty and design and doesn’t want them to settle for anything less.

© 2015 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

STEPSeek - 10-point checklistYou just finished reading Scott Williams’ post, “Interviewing Mister Maybe” on the Stepping Up blog for men.

STEPThink - 10-point checklistA girl really desires a real relationship with her dad. Read “How to Really Know Your Daughter.”

STEPEmbrace - 10-point checklistDennis Rainey talks to dads of daughters on the FamilyLife Today broadcast about navigating the dating years 

STEPPass - 10-point checklistGet the book Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date to have on hand for your daughter. Share this post with other dads.

Daddy daughter and God



This post first appeared on the Noah Gets a Nailgun blog last summer. With pool weather right around the corner, start making plans to do what the author did: get the book, get together with other guys, and learn to be better daddies to your daughters.

I recently started discussing the book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters with a group of guys in my neighborhood. We gather around the pool one night a week and talk through two chapters at a time while our kids play in the background. It works out great since many of us are already there closing down the swimming hole many summer nights, and this is one way to be intentional with some of that time.

daddy daughterThe sub-title of the book is “Ten secrets every father should know.” It’s pretty straightforward: ten secrets, ten chapters. Easy reading that you can work through quickly. A perfect setup for group discussion. We began with the first two chapters, titled, “You Are the Most Important Man in Her Life,” and “She Needs a Hero.” There was a fascinating section in chapter one that has shaped the interactions with my daughter over the last few days:

Fathers, more than anyone else, set the course for a daughter’s life. … I have watched daughters talk to fathers. When you come in the room, they change. Everything about them changes: their eyes, their mouths, their gestures, their body language. Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. They might take their mothers for granted, but not you. They light up – or they cry. They watch you intensely. They hang on your words. They hope for your attention, and they wait for it in frustration – or in despair. They need a gesture of approval, a nod of encouragement, or even simple eye contact to let them know you care and are willing to help.

When she’s in your company, your daughter tries harder to excel. When you teach her, she learns more rapidly. When you guide her, she gains confidence. If you fully understood just how profoundly you can influence your daughter’s life, you would be terrified, overwhelmed, or both. Boyfriends, brothers, even husbands can’t shape her character the way you do. You will influence her entire life because she gives you an authority she gives no other man.

Wow. Talk about intimidating. No pressure here. As I’ve watched my daughter, I’ve thought about these words and wondered how I was shaping her life and how she perceived me. What would I unconsciously impart to her? What ways would I mark her as distinctly different from her peers?

The same day I read this paragraph, a friend shared with me that he is positive his wife would not have given him the time of day if it were not for her dad. She meant her dad was an untrustworthy individual, and my friend, though full of his own self-acknowledged challenges as a young man, was someone she could trust. She saw that he was honest. Even brutally so at times. And so she was drawn to him.

I see this at play with my wife, though in the opposite way. Her father was her biggest cheerleader, constantly sang her praises, made sure she knew she could do anything a boy could and anything she wanted to. Run a chainsaw, drive a tractor, mend a mangled barbed-wire fence, get an engineering degree. He believed in her. And she benefited from that in tremendous ways. She is one of the hardest working people I know. When she says she’s going to do something, look out. You can guarantee it will be done. He profoundly shaped who she is today. She would not be the same person without his influence.

The Daddy Daughter Connection

Fathers will leave a mark on their daughters. This is a scary reality at one level. But the other observation for me, related to this reality, is how much of our lives has been shaped by so many different influences to the point that there are many things we do, many decisions we make, that we have relatively little control over. Your immediate reaction to any circumstance is likely a complex mixture of responses that have been formed in you over the years, some of which you are not even aware. Some come from your parents, some your peers, some the books you read, your emotions, your experiences, your beliefs on religion, politics, nature, philosophy, and food. Even the smells that passively waft to your nostrils trigger a complex array of emotions and memories at the most unexpected moments. And then there is your own sin nature and sinful decisions. And boy do the stains from these ever linger.

Paul, in Romans 7:15, hits this head on when he says, “… I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Ever feel that way? Why? Paul continues … “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who did it, but sin that dwells within me”(v 19-20). Yes there are many influences at work which shape your reactions and choices, one of which is the root of sin that has been at work in your heart your entire life. But there is hope, as Paul proclaims, “Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

You do have a choice about how to live your life, it’s just not always the easiest to choose against those habitual attitudes that have been hard wired in your heart over time. And the hope is not in trying harder, but leaning on the proper source of power.

Tim Keller in his book Center Church says this:

Imagine you’re in an orchestra and you begin to play, but the sound is horrific because the instruments are out of tune. The problem can’t be fixed by simply tuning them to each other. It won’t help for each person to get in tune to the person next to her because each person will be tuning to something different. No, they will all need to be tuned properly to one source of pitch. Often we go about trying to tune ourselves to the sound of everything else in our lives. We often her this described as “getting balance.” But the questions that need to be asked are these: “Balanced to what?” “Tuned to what?” The gospel does not begin by tuning us in relation to our particular problems and surroundings; it first re-tunes us to God.

Let’s bring this full circle shall we? Back to the starting theme of this post: Parenting daughters. The bottom line is to make sure your heart is tuned to the gospel every day. No doubt the task of parenting a daughter (or son for that matter) is daunting. But so is keeping the law and trying to be good on your own strength. The task is beyond you, but let that reality produce comfort rather than fear. Find your comfort in the strength of Christ, who will provide the measure of courage you need to fulfill the task ahead of you.

Although summer is not yet in full swing, it’s not too early to pick up the book and gather with a group of dads and discuss how you can be intentional in your efforts to parent your daughter. Some say it takes a village to raise a child, but at the very least it takes a pool to gather the men who make up that village who will raise that child.

© 2014 Noah Gets a Nailgun. All rights reserved.

John MajorsJohn Majors is the most interesting dad in the world to his daughter and two sons, and is pretty interesting to Julie, his wife of 14 years. As a key creator of the Stepping Up material, one of John’s greatest interests is to see men equipped with tools for leading their families well.

 

STEPSeek - 10-point checklistYou just finished reading John Majors’ post “Daddy daughter and God” on the Stepping Up blog for men.

STEPThink - 10-point checklistDr. Meg Meeker talks about Strengthening the Father Bond and Providing Boundaries  on FamilyLife Today.

STEPEmbrace - 10-point checklistIf you want to know “How to Really Know Your Daughter,” read Greg Wright’s article about daddy-daughter dates.

STEPPass - 10-point checklistPick up Dr. Meg Meeker’s book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters and start building intentionally in the life of your daughters.

 

Real manhood: Black & white, not Fifty Shades of Grey



This is the final post in a three-part series about “What’s a real man do with Fifty Shades?” The second post, “Man up to Christian Grey and Fifty Shades,” offered ideas about what you can do to reflect real manhood: Be a man of integrity, love your wife unconditionally, and show your daughters their strength. This post picks up that list with four more suggestions.

4. Raise men of honor.

The way a young man treats a young woman tells her what he thinks of her, and even feeds into how she thinks of herself. We need to remind our sons to value young ladies like we value their mom and treat them with the same honor and deference. The same axiom I mentioned earlier works in reverse: “Be a gentleman; get a lady.”

We also need to remind sons that they need to take responsibility for the self-discipline of the relationship. Just because of how we’re designed, we men are more likely to be the pursuers in a relationship. We will advance as far as we are allowed, and even push the boundaries to find out how solid they are.

As dads, we endeavor to raise our sons to be men of honor and integrity. And our desire is that they date young women with high moral standards as well. But we know that, as romance and hormones blossom, the tendency is for those physical boundaries to get mushy. In generations past, a young woman might put on the brakes if the passion got too high. Today, though, young women are just as likely as young men to be the aggressors.

We need to remind our sons (and the guys who date our daughters) to not let the passion rise to those hard-to-stop points, even if their dates seem to be giving the go-ahead. When things have settled down, she’s likely to appreciate him taking the leadership, and more trusting that he’s watching out for her.

5. Warn the women in your life about pornography.

At one time, porn use among married men wasn’t something “polite” women brought up. In recent years, women have bravely begun to speak up about how it hurts them and makes them feel inferior to the sex objects on the pages of magazines and computers. But at the same time, strangely, pornography has become more accepted among women.

Men who have battled porn addiction should be the first to speak up to warn and protect women.  We know firsthand how pornography lures us with the promise of sexual fulfillment and release, but it eventually dominates our thinking. Advances in neuroscience have confirmed what we already knew from experience: the more we give ourselves to porn, the more our brains are trained to want more of it, more often, and more graphic. Eventually, we’re more drawn to the instant fulfillment of a sexual fantasy than to work through a real relationship with a real woman.

The same thing is beginning to happen to women. Many are becoming obsessed with pornography and erotica and the fulfillment it offers. They become trapped in a world of fantasy where they attempt to meet emotional and sexual needs with a fantasy man. They may not be as attracted as much to the visual stimulation as men are, but they do notice the beautiful, sexy women in porn and imagine those women as themselves, the objects of desire.

With the power of the smartphone, young women have discovered they have the ability to create their own porn in the form of nude selfies and videos. They do it to connect to a love interest or to get noticed. With all the increase in women’s use of porn, the bottom line is that they seem to be willing to put up with objectification and debasement in order to find a way to be desired and fulfilled.

6. Be open with your wife about romance and intimacy.

Many married women defending the book often say it has improved their sex life. Certainly a film like Fifty Shades that blends heavy doses of romance and flesh can’t help but awaken many women’s sexual desires. It’s the same reasoning a man might give for watching pornography with his wife—to jump-start their sex life. But that’s trying to create a reality based on fantasy.

There is a much healthier way to jump-start romance and intimacy in your marriage. It’s called communication. Open, honest conversations about intimacy and sexual fulfillment keep romance and passion alive through years of marriage.

Talk honestly about how each of you assess your love life, frequency, likes, dislikes and wishes. Maybe you can start with some simple questions that you answer together.

  • On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our intimacy?
  • What things that I do make you feel most wanted and fulfilled?
  • What would you change about our love life?

God has designed marriage as the place to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy between “the wife of your youth” and her “beloved” (Proverbs 5:18-19; Ecclesiastes 9:9; Song of Solomon 7:6-10). Talk and explore together how to get out of the intimacy rut and together create a more fulfilling sex life. Not sure what’s okay and what’s not (especially in light of all the junk passed off in Fifty Shades of Grey)? Here are some helpful guidelines borrowed from Marriage Today:

  • Is it forbidden in Scripture?
  • Does it violate your conscience?
  • Does it violate your wife, or is it against her conscience or will?
  • Is it physically safe or might it cause health risks?
  • Does it treat your wife in a disrespectful way or damage your relationship?
7. Understand submission God’s way.

What is presented in Fifty Shades of Grey is being called submission, but it’s actually subjugation. Subjugation is defined as “defeating or gaining control of a person for their obedience.” Submission is when a person voluntarily places themselves under the authority and guidance of another.

The Bible teaches women to submit to the God-given leadership of their husbands in the same way that Christ submitted to the will of God the Father. But here’s a reminder, guys: God doesn’t command a husband to remind his wife to submit. Instead He calls the husband to unconditionally love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave his entire life for her. Subjugation is the furthest thing from God’s design in the marriage relationship. Our wives are His gift to us as our completers, and we are God’s gift to them as shields of protection.

Out of reverence to Christ, both husband and wife are to put their personal desires aside to serve each other (Ephesians 5:21). That brings out the best in a man and a woman. It brings us together in mutual trust and fulfills the deepest longings of our souls.

When you rely on God’s word to guide you on how a man should treat a woman, it’s easier to see black and white. Thankfully, a real Christian doesn’t have to muddle through fifty shades of grey.

© 2015 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

STEPSeek - 10-point checklistYou just finished reading “Real manhood: Black & white, not Fifty Shades of Grey” in the Stepping Up blog for men.

STEPThink - 10-point checklist“7 Things to Remember About Sex” is one great way you and your wife can start a discussion about your sexual desires.

STEPEmbrace - 10-point checklistTwo broadcasts, “Fifty Shades of Deception” and “Longings of a Woman’s Heart” point women to what’s really at stake.

STEPPass - 10-point checklistLet women see a better example of manhood by passing “What’s a real man do with Fifty Shades?” along to your male friends.

Man up to Christian Grey, Fifty Shades



This is the second of three posts on what a real man should do with Fifty Shades of Grey.

On Valentine’s weekend, Fifty Shades of Grey dominated the box offices with $85 million in ticket sales, even though the movie was almost universally panned. In my first post, “What’s a real man do with Fifty Shades?,” I expressed concern that the main character, Christian Grey, is a pathetic role model for true manhood. Rather than respect and care for an innocent and vulnerable Anastasia Steele, he subjects her to sexual abuse and degradation to fulfill the warped desires left from his own childhood sexual abuse.

Sure, Christian Grey is a fictional character, but his influence on the culture (through Fifty Shades of Grey) is troubling. Have women lowered their standards for men so far that Christian Grey is the object of desire? Reportedly, the books and movie have a heavy following among 25-55 year old women.  But it’s also reaching our young daughters. According to IMDB (Internet Movie Database), the movie drew the highest reviews by far from girls under 18.

And just in case you’re wondering, a Barna survey found that women who identify themselves as Christians are reading the books at the same rate as the general public. It’s captivating women everywhere.

That should concern any self-respecting man.

For decades, the objectification and hyper-sexualization of women in the media has been a problem. A majority of all young women today have been exposed to pornography before age 14. As they are encountering sexual material at younger and younger ages, we appear to be reaching critical mass.

In years past, that exposure would be met with disgust. But now it’s being embraced in our culture. About half of young adult women now consider viewing pornography as an acceptable way of expressing their sexuality. One in three visitors to online porn sites are now women, and one in five women use the Internet weekly for sexual purposes.

These are our wives and our daughters who are being affected. So, as a godly man, what do you do?

1. Be a man of integrity.

Women are looking for a man to admire, not just someone to buy them off and beat any sense of high standards out of them. As a husband, you need to make it your goal to treat your wife as your greatest earthly priority. As a father, you model for both your sons and your daughters not just what real manhood is all about, but the value of women.

Pastor and author Robert Lewis defines an authentic man:

  • He rejects passivity. He doesn’t allow the enemy to distract him from reflecting the image of his Creator God, and caring for the woman and the world that have been entrusted to him.
  • He accepts responsibility. He recognizes that his wife and children are dependent on him, and he seeks to correct his mistakes rather than make others continue to suffer in the wake of his bad choices.
  • He leads courageously. He doesn’t force women to step in to fill the vacuum of leadership left by passive men. But he also recognizes that his leadership is a position of voluntary submission to Christ, who voluntarily submits Himself to the Father.
  • He expects God’s greater reward. He recognizes that Christ didn’t give in to the temptations of Satan in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11), but submitted his own desires to those of the Father so that he could redeem His bride, the church (Philippians 2:5-11).
2. Love the one you’re with.

Your wife should be the object of your desire. She longs to see in your words and actions that you are always seeking the best for her. Rather than expecting her to sign a contract listing your demands, remind her that you have made a covenant to cherish and care for her, and to love her as much as you love your own body (Ephesians 5:29).

weaker vesselScripture tells us (1 Peter 3:7) to live with our wives in an understanding way (be considerate), as a weaker vessel. That’s not a cut-down but a comparison; a compliment. I think of it as delicate vs. durable; Ellie’s demitasse china cup and saucer vs. my gunmetal grey travel mug. My wife is strong and capable (she would have made a great pioneer woman). Yet I know Ellie is created to be a responder, nurturer and empathizer. She flourishes when I treat her with honor and respect. And God reminds me that His receptivity to me is tied to how receptive I am to my wife. Strength and submission aside, we husbands need to remember that we are equal to our wives before God, as joint heirs of His grace. We need to become lifelong students of extending that grace to each other.

3. Show your daughters their strength.

Too many girls and young women today don’t realize the power they have to set the expectations in a relationship. In our sexualized culture, they are led to believe that their only real worth is as sensual creatures. They expect that by gratifying the natural desires of a man, he will come to desire her. The truth is that a woman who holds high standards for herself and the man she cares about will call him up from his basic instincts to his true calling as leader, protector, lover.

A young girl needs to know that she’s loved—by her Heavenly father and her earthly father. We daddies need to remind our daughters of their intrinsic worth to us, and especially their value to the God who created them, who knows them intimately, and who loves them unconditionally. The more they accept this, the more likely they will be to look for a man who recognizes and respects their value.

And often it’s the little things they do that begin to bring out the best in a guy. One of the things I’ve told my three girls through the years has been “Be a lady; expect a gentleman.”  Wait for him to open the door, to pull out her chair, to call for a date. Sure, she can do all those things, but in waiting, she’s offering him an opportunity to step up and to show her he values her.

If there’s a positive message in Fifty Shades of Grey it’s this: A man will give honor to a woman when she raises the bar and expects to be treated as a unique creation and not just an object of desire.

The final post in this three-part series will continue the suggestions about what you can do to challenge the image of Christian Grey  by being a real man. We’ll cover raising sons, warning women about the dangers of porn, developing intimacy with your wife, and understanding submission from God’s perspective.

© 2015 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

STEPSeek - 10-point checklistYou just finished reading “How to challenge Christian Grey and Fifty Shades” in the Stepping Up blog for men.

STEPThink - 10-point checklistRead the original post in this series, “What’s a real man do with Fifty Shades?” and come back next week for the conclusion. 

STEPEmbrace - 10-point checklistRobert Lewis and William Hendricks share “What Every Husband Needs to Know” about ministering to his wife.

STEPPass - 10-point checklistA daughter is stronger when she has a relationship with her dad. Read “How to Really Know Your Daughter.” 

 

Future son-in-law: Do this … don’t do this



The following letter is not an actual letter. And, it may sound like the rant of an angry father (as my son pointed out when he read through it :). Well, to some degree it is. I’m not angry, per se. I’m disappointed in the young men (Christian young men) who have expressed “interest” in my daughters at some level. It’s not that I’m mad AT them. I know there are a lot of great young Christian men (even the ones implicated below 😉 who understand how to enter into a relationship with a young woman and nurture the relationship. I also realize that there are just as many young women who fail to properly move forward (either too fast or too slow) in relationships. Recently, my daughter has experienced some of the challenges that are covered at some level in my letter. I’m not really an angry old ranting father … really. But, I do expect that young men conduct themselves in a way that is addressed below. So, with this as an intro, read at your own peril.  😉

Dear young man who wants to pursue my daughter,

I want you to know that I am very excited that you want to be a part of my daughter’s life. I’m sure you are already sensing what a special woman she is, which is why you are considering entering into a relationship with her. I want you to know that we’ve been praying for you for a LONG time. In fact, her mother and I have been praying for you before our daughter was even born. Well, maybe it wasn’t you. Much of that depends on how much of this letter you understand and the expectations of a young man who would like to be a significant part of my daughter’s life. If you aren’t ready to pursue a deeper relationship with her, than this letter probably doesn’t apply. If you are, please read on.

Do ThisI hope this doesn’t feel like a semester final. It’s not. It’s much more important than that. You see, you can’t cram for this test. What you are about to enter into needs to have been built into you and you need to have been honing and working on it for years. Let’s face it, the requirements for dating my daughter are character qualities that you cannot learn from simply reading a book or playing video games. It is a personal, one-on-one relationship that requires someone of godly character and integrity.

Since I don’t know you yet (though I am really looking forward to getting to meet you … honestly) I thought I might offer you some advice on some things to say and do while avoiding other things that wouldn’t endear you to me, to her, nor to her Lord. Yes, her Lord. See, my daughter is a follower of Christ. Therefore, she has been bought with a price and anyone that she eventually meets, dates, and weds must have that in mind above all else because it is her identity. Alright, enough chit-chat let’s get to that all important list of things to say and do and those things to avoid when wanting to date my daughter.

DON’T DO THIS: Lead her on with words that miscommunicate your intentions.

That is a big mistake. Don’t tell her something to lead her on and then pull that rug out from under her. Yes, it reveals that you are the kind of man she shouldn’t be spending much time with anyway, so thank you for making that obvious. But, a man is not a man if he doesn’t live up to his word. Your word is part of your DNA. If she can’t trust what you say BEFORE you are “dating” how could she ever trust you as you enter into a relationship. She will be much better without you, if that is what you are considering doing. I’m not a harsh man. I understand that feelings change and that maybe you don’t feel you’re in the same place in your relationship with my daughter that she might feel with you. That’s OK. Relationships are like that. Like the ocean’s tide they unevenly rise and fall in the lives of those involved. It’s cool to tell her, “I don’t know what I feel or where I’m at in this relationship.” I support you in that confusion. Listen, I realize you may not have spent one minute thinking about marriage. That’s OK. This relationship may not end there. But, whenever a relationship starts, it has the potential to end in the ultimate relationship and before it goes there, it needs to have been built on a solid foundation.

Having been married for nearly 29 years, I’ve been there … confused about women I mean. But, when I said “I DO”, I DID. Forever. I meant it when I said, “in good times and bad, rich or poor, sick or well, till DEATH do us part.” That’s quite a commitment to make to another person. Too many of young (and old) men and women don’t take that commitment seriously. They are just bridge words to get from the wedding ceremony to the honeymoon suite. Nope. They are words of significance. They are your identity. So you can see why empty words spoken to lead my daughter on in the beginning of a relationship will not work for me (or her).

One young man recently told my daughter that he was “interested” in her. My daughter understood that to mean he was interested in her enough to pursue the relationship at a little deeper level. Then, the young man turned to her a few days later and said, “remember that ‘interested’ comment? Well, forget I ever told you that.” I’m sure you wouldn’t do that but just in case, don’t tell her you’re “interested” unless YOU ARE INTERESTED. And by the way, you might want to choose a different word. There’s no commitment in the word “interested.” I’m interested in football, steak, the outcome of the elections and a host of other things in life. But, it’s not a word to be used in a relationship. It might be true. You might be interested. But please don’t use that as an expression of any kind of personal commitment.

DO THIS: Spend time expressing important things to her in person.

After Miley: Thoughts on raising daughters



686030aWhen I first heard about Miley Cyrus’s performance at the VMA Awards last week, I heard a cynical, Oh, here we go again, go through my head.  Another young celebrity gone wild.

So, I started thinking, how can I make sure that I raise my own daughter so she will never turn out like that girl?

As shocking as they were, the writhing, pole-dancing moves made by Miley Cyrus may not be an anomaly.  Miley may just be the public face of what many of your young girls are doing at their own private parties every weekend.   Young girls need a lot of attention from their fathers when they are growing up, or they will look for it in the young boys and young men around them.  Not just Miley Cyrus, but every young lady out there.  So, dads, what can you and I do?

First, we need to give our daughters real, sincere affection.  Physical hugs and attention.  Raising daughters means building up their self-esteem and inner strength.  It’s up to us.  There is nothing that can replace the love of a daddy in a daughter’s heart.  Also, dads, we have to relentlessly pursue our daughters’ hearts for the Lord.  Keep tabs on where our daughters’ time goes, where they are, whom they are with, and what they are doing.  Be the dad.  Learn to say no when you need to.

Dad, it may be that if you have a teenage daughter, and she has not received the attention from you she needed, she may already be showing too much of herself to young men.  Try to find out.  Don’t sit her down and confront her.  Instead, take the advice of Dr. Meg Meeker, who writes in her book, Your Kids at Risk, that if we want to know what our tweens and teens are doing, we should not rely on asking them. Hate to break it to you, but sometimes kids lie.  Rather, we should ask them what their friends are doing, because that is what our kids are really doing.

Lovingly and casually attempt to draw out from your daughter what her friends are involved in.  Find out where and with whom she spends her time.  Change your behavior with your daughter.   Fill her needs for love, attention and self-value.  Let her know that she is God’s daughter and yours.  See if with a bit of time you see a change in her attitude and heart.

It’s always a great idea to have your kids and their friends spend their time at your house, rather than out and about.  Make your house the house to hang out at!  Have sodas and snacks on hand as much as possible.  Be hospitable. Yeah, even to teenagers.  If you can, have a fire pit, make s’mores, whatever.  But, we must step up and be there for our daughters.

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