Posts tagged marriage problems

Same old argument again



What happened was silly.  I was downstairs and opened a bill.  Since my wife handles our bills, I ran upstairs to discuss it with her.  I bounded into the room where she was engrossed on the computer.  She was re-watching a 600+ slide show of wedding photos to find a particular photo.  I interrupted her and when she waved me off, I did not take the clue and told her we could handle this quickly.

JeffStacyKempUnfortunately, I ignored and flustered her, causing her to lose her place and end the slide show.  She was upset and told me so.

I justified myself.

She reiterated her disappointment.

I weakly said, “Sorry.”

She explained how she felt, and the inconvenience I’d caused.

I said, “Don’t freak out.”

Things got worse. Duh!

The conflict was growing and I stood there defending myself in my heart, looking blandly at her, while thinking about how often we have this stupid disagreement.  Finally I zipped my lip and went downstairs.

When I sat in my chair I thought, That is about the 1,948th time we’ve had that exchange.

I began a conversation with God that went something like this.

God, why does that happen so much?  I meant well, but then I offended her, then I hurt her, then I made it worse.

The thought God gave me in return was this:  Jeff, you’re more upset that you had the conflict than you are that you inconvenienced her.  And you’re more upset that you had the conflict than that you hurt her feelings by defending yourself and showing no real empathy. You always want her to adjust and accept you. You ask for less of these instances of offense and conflict, but you should be asking Me to help you change. You need to want to not hurt her more than you want to not feel bad that you messed up.

Wow … That led to a very introspective and intense prayer time, and a decision.  I aimed to change so that I could be a better apologizer, be less defensive, and truly be more interested in Stacy’s feelings than my own.

I went upstairs, got down on a knee next to her, and told her I was wrong to not apologize fully at first.  I was wrong not to want to hear from her how I had inconvenienced her.  I was wrong to defend myself.  I did not care for her feelings well, and I want to.

I concluded with four things:  “I was wrong.  I am sorry.  Will you please forgive me?  I want to change.”

Stacy teared up in a good way and swiftly loved me back with her forgiveness, her own apology, and a hug.

Adapted by permission from Facing the Blitz: Three Strategies for Turning Trials Into Triumphs, Copyright © 2015 by Jeff Kemp, Bethany House Publishers.

STEPSeek - 10-point checklistYou just finished Jeff Kemp’s post “Same old argument again” on the Stepping Up blog for men.

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Irreplaceable



Last week I had the pleasure of sitting in on the one-time showing of the Focus on the Family documentary film Irreplaceable. Even if you missed the premiere, encore presentations of Irreplaceable are being added at other theaters around the country.

You may have seen the trailer for the film. If not, here it is.

YouTube Preview Image

http://www.irreplaceablethemovie.com/

The movie is just an introduction to a new series that seeks to look at the family from a number of different angles in an attempt to “recover, renew and reclaim the cultural conversation about the family.” It is also the launch of a new initiative by Focus called Gen3, challenging individuals to commit to building a thriving, divorce-free legacy for three generations.

After watching the first film in the series, I’m inclined to believe that Focus on the Family is going about it the right way. As you can see in the trailer, the film itself is a journey to find the cause of family (and thus) cultural decline. But the journey actually finds its answer in an unexpected place—back at home.

The film starts off looking at the history and ideology that’s led to family decline, and the far-reaching impact it’s had. Starting with modern views on sexuality (which really aren’t new at all), the questions move in a progression toward marriage, then parenting, then children, to the meaning of life itself. It becomes obvious that there is not just one cause for cultural decline, but many. It reveals that individuals, not social issues, are at the heart of the problem … and of the solution.

The documentary starts with the notion that cultural decline is inevitable when families become unstable, because the family is irreplaceable. But it ends by recognizing that what is truly irreplaceable is each person within a family.

The narrator’s search for answers to the general problem of family fracture leads him to reflect on his own personal struggles growing up in a family where the father was not faithful to the family. This leads him to recognize his own importance to his own family and how much his active presence is needed by his wife and his children. He realizes that it’s he who is irreplaceable.

Truth be known, everyone is irreplaceable in their family, if you believe in God as Sovereign. I’m often impressed at how differently God has made each of the members in my own family, and how their strengths and personalities have a unique and vital place in the health of the family as a whole, as well as in the life of each individual. Add to that the unique roles we each have as husband and wife, mother and father, son and daughter, brother and sister, oldest, youngest, and middle. God has placed each member in the family to be a blessing and to be blessed.

How about you? How often do you think of yourself as irreplaceable as a man, as husband of your wife, and father of your children? How often do you recognize your wife’s unique fit as your partner and helpmeet, and as the nurturer and center of the family? And how often do you recognize each child and his or her irreplaceable part in your home now, and the irreplaceable part they will have in the family they will begin when their time comes?

The first step in rebuilding a crumbling culture is to create a strong culture in your own family. They, in turn can carry that legacy to the next generation, and the next.

Enduring a difficult marriage: 4 lessons from Lincoln



This post originally appeared on MarkMerrill.com

“Can’t you do anything right?”

“You’re worthless.”

“I don’t know why I married you.”

Have you ever heard those scathing words before in your marriage? If so, how did it make you feel? Maybe you felt devalued or disrespected. Perhaps you got angry. Maybe fear struck your heart. Maybe you were overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness.

If you’ve felt any of those things in your marriage, you’re not alone. Many others have traveled the same rocky road. In fact, one of the greatest men in American history experienced some of the same things. His name was Abraham Lincoln.

difficult marriageMost of us know Lincoln as the incredible President and leader of our country during the Civil War. But what many of us don’t know is that at the same time Lincoln was working to promote peace in America, he was struggling to keep peace within his own marriage. We see how clearly he identified with hardships in marriage when he said, “To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.”

Of course, Abraham Lincoln was human and probably contributed to some of the unrest in his marriage. But history tells us that his wife, Mary Todd, made married life extremely difficult for Lincoln. Here are some of the costs that Abraham Lincoln experienced by sticking it out with his wife, Mary Todd:

Costs:
  • It’s been reported that Mary threw things like firewood and potatoes at her husband on different occasions.
  • It’s been said that she chased him around their backyard with a knife at one point after a dispute.
  • She didn’t care about spending more than her budget allowed and was quoted as saying, “To keep up appearances, I must have money—more than Mr. Lincoln can spare for me. He is too honest to make a penny outside of his salary; consequently I had, and still have, no alternative but to run in debt.”
  • She was constantly jealous and rude to the women Lincoln interacted with.
  • Someone who would often visit the White House recalled that Mary Todd “was vain, passionately fond of dress, and wore her dresses shorter at the top and longer at the train than even fashions demanded. She had great pride in her elegant neck and bust, and grieved the President greatly by her constant display of her person and her fine clothes.”
  • Lincoln was rewarded in several ways from his marriage with Mary.
Rewards:
  • Lincoln learned to be a man of peace. Not only did he seek peace for our country, but also learned to hold onto peace in his marriage when the waves of unrest were crashing around him.
  • Lincoln developed the virtue of perseverance in his marriage and in life. He gained a deeper understanding of focusing on the long run, rather than the current moment.
  • Lincoln developed a forgiving heart towards his wife — a value all of America would need to embrace following the Civil War.

Fortunately for us, Lincoln was perhaps more greatly prepared for the awful state of the nation after his experiences in marriage. As author John Piper puts it, “A whole nation benefited from his embracing the pain.”

So how did Lincoln do it, and how can you stick it out as well?

1. He recognized his own flaws.

Lincoln was a man of great faith, but also a man of great flaws. Often being away on business trips and occupied with political ventures, we can assume that his time with family was more limited than most. So the first step to sticking it out in marriage is to avoid putting all the blame on your spouse. Recognize your flaws, take responsibility, and find ways to improve your side of the relationship with your spouse. And take Lincoln’s own advice: “I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.”

2. He stayed positive.

Despite the constant nagging, complaining, and insults from his wife, Lincoln maintained a strong positive attitude that he shared with the country he led. He came to discover with time that, “Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”

3. He had an eternal understanding.

Lincoln once shared, “Surely God would not have created such a being as man to exist only for a day! Man was made for immortality!” He understood this life was not the only thing we have; we also get to look forward to an eternal life with God. Keeping your mindset on the big picture can help small struggles within your marriage lose some of their significance and lead you to forgive more quickly. Giving forgiveness is so important. Corrie ten Boom: The Ultimate Forgiveness Story is an amazing story of forgiveness.

4. He understood marriage is a covenant.

As a man of faith, Lincoln was able to look at God’s relationship with us as an example for his relationship with his wife. God will never leave us and Lincoln chose to never leave his wife. To understand more about how marriage is a covenant and not a contract, you may want to consider 3 Things to Remember Before You Call It Quits in Marriage.

What are some other words of encouragement you could share with people in a difficult marriage? I’d appreciate it if you’d share in a comment below.

MarkMerrillMark Merrill is the president of the national non-profit organization, Family First , and the voice of a daily radio program called The Family Minute. He recently authored the book, All Pro Dad: 7 Essentials to Be a Hero to Your Kids. “I’m so grateful for my wife, Susan, and our five children. I’ve learned how to be a better husband and dad because of them.”

Men should be investors not consumers



Men were made to invest — to add value, to protect and make life better for others.

man smashing piggybank

Do you know any men who pout or whine when their wife’s idea of frequent sex is different than theirs?

Do you know any men who only go on dates when their wife sets one up?

What makes more than a few young men devote massive amounts of time to video games and social media?

How many husbands need stimulation from more and more porn while their physical intimacy with their wife dwindles away?

Why can many young guys hook up with girls, but not have the courage to ask them on a date or navigate a constructive relationship?

What’s causing so much perpetual adolescence among guys in their late 20s and late 50s?

God has answers to these questions which drive us to passionately reach and disciple men.

We’re facing a crisis in our culture. It’s urgent! When a boy stays a boy for life … when a man doesn’t know what it is to be a man … when he uses girls and women like property … when he fathers kids outside of marriage … when his marriage breaks up … the price paid is compounded for women, children, and society.

Men don’t need to be attacked, however. They need to be welcomed into a Christian fellowship of other men, where manhood can be bestowed. They need to see and learn the manhood model of Jesus, while in the company of friends and mentors.

Men have been tricked, and we need to help them break free from the lies and false vision of manhood. One key cause for the counterfeit versions of manhood and sorry state of marriages today is one we can beat only if we identify it. We need to understand our identity as consumers and rebuild a new identity as investors.

Think about it. Most of us Americans see over 500 advertisements a day. We are trained by Madison Avenue and Hollywood to be consumers and pleasure seekers. It makes us petty, selfish, and little.

Investors not consumers

But men were made to invest — to add value, to protect and make life better for others.  Doing that in marriage for your wife, whom you are to cherish, makes you and your children much happier over time.

In defining manhood and leading men, we need to square up and tackle the passive, selfish, small vision of manhood that shapes boys and men into the mold of “consumer.”  Men want a vision to create something significant, battle for something good, and love a woman and family heroically.

That won’t be possible with a small consumer identity.  We need to wake men up to the devil’s and society’s trick.  God made us to be investors.

Consider pro football.  In the quarterback meeting room and in drills they teach Joe Flacco, Colin Kaepernick, and Drew Brees to throw the ball to receivers in a target diameter of one foot, perfectly serving the receiver so he need not stretch, bend, jump or dive. And they teach wide receivers, “If you can touch it, you must catch it.” Make the quarterback and the team look good. Lay out. Sacrifice. Those are investor mentalities.

Let’s break the consumer mold, call men up to being relationship investors — guys who protect the weak, bring out the best in others, and love unconditionally. Galatians 5 tells us we were called to freedom, not so we could feed our fleshly desires but so we could serve one another — to love our neighbor. It warns that if we are selfish in our flesh and relationships, we’ll be consumed ourselves.  Philippians 2 tells us to be like Jesus and look out for the interests of others, not just self.

Men investing in other men will help us all rediscover the model of manhood: Jesus, the ultimate relationship investor.

 

Jeff Kemp quarterbacked for 11 years in the NFL.  He is a vice-president and “HomeBulder Catalyst” for FamilyLife, speaking to men and equipping men’s group discipleship with FamilyLife’s DVD men’s experience, Stepping Up™.   You can reach Jeff at jkemp@familylife.com.

 

Copyright 2013 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

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