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What’s a real man do with Fifty Shades?

During the Christmas holidays, my 17-year-old son and I were settling into our theater seats to enjoy a movie we’d been looking forward to for some time–Unbroken.  That’s when we were assaulted by the preview for Fifty Shades of Grey.

50ShadesBoth of us found it disturbing. In fact, even after I’d finished watching Unbroken, the scenes that stayed in my mind weren’t of Louis Zamperini’s cruel treatment at the hands of “The Bird” in the Japanese prisoner of war camp, but the preview images from the “Red Room of Pain.”

In case you’re not familiar, Fifty Shades of Grey is based on one of the best selling books of all time. The movie bills itself as a romance between powerfully-attractive young billionaire Christian Grey and a naïve, not-so-self-assured college senior, Anastasia Steele. Without meaning to, she catches his attention when she’s interviewing him for the school newspaper, and he begins to do everything in his power (and he has a lot of it) to make her the object of his desires … desires which have been grotesquely mangled by being sexually abused at a young age.

Fifty Shades of Grey is pornography. No one denies it. But relatively few are opposing it. The Motion Picture Association of America developed its current rating system to help parents make decisions about which movies their children should see. Yet they gave Fifty Shades of Grey an R rating (“Contains some adult material. Parents are urged to learn more about the film before taking young children with them.”) rather than NC-17 (“Clearly adult. Children not permitted.”). Considering  the popularity of the books, and how the movie got the same R rating as one-third  of the other films released, it’s no surprise that advance ticket sales have set all-time records on Fandango.

What is surprising is who is viewing the film and reading the book—and why in the world they even would. Many refer to the book as “mommy porn” because of its wild popularity among adult women. And ticket sales are briskest in the typically-conservative deep south.

Romance novels have always been a staple of women’s reading. But Fifty Shades of Grey goes beyond romance to erotica, which is essentially porn for women. As much as 20 percent of the two-hour film is sex scenes—as much screen time as all Hollywood films from 2014 … combined.

And the film isn’t just sex. It’s abuse. Proponents of the film try to argue that BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) is fine if it’s between consenting adults. But Ana repeatedly tells Mr. Grey (after each time he does his thing with her) that she doesn’t appreciate it. She’s constantly in tears about it. She tries to leave him, only to have him stalk her and emotionally manipulate her into staying. He demands control of her life to the point of prescribing her exercise and diet, choosing her wardrobe, and having a doctor examine her and put her on the pill.

Christian Grey is no real man in any sense of the word.  A real man respects and honors a woman’s body and emotions; he doesn’t abuse and manipulate her. But author E.L. James has somehow made Grey the desire of 100 million women. She cleverly plays to women’s innate longings to be sought after, to live a more fulfilling existence and to rescue a broken man. In doing so, she gets women to excuse abusive behavior and to ignore countless warning signs on a fool’s road to romance.

Reading through two very lengthy, very detailed synopses of the first book (I refuse to read the book itself), I was continually struck by how much Mr. Grey’s behavior was the very picture of everything we tell women to run away from to avoid abuse. How many times have we listened incredulously to real-world horror stories of women who endure years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from boyfriends and husbands, yet can’t bring themselves to leave. Yet here we are with a book series and movie that draws women into that same warped, powerless thinking—“I’m not worth it. He can’t help it. What will happen to him if I leave?”

It’s not just naive adult women who are getting drawn in by Fifty Shades of Grey. The book has found itself in the hands of myriads of teen girls who are quite impressionable and undiscerning as they embark on their quest for love and passion. And with the release of the movie (and subsequent DVD and home-streaming option) a lot of girls and guys will be sneaking their ideas of love and intimacy from this movie.

In other words, the media’s influence has the potential for creating a lot more Christian Greys, and giving girls the idea that they should put up with them. But rather than allow the media culture to create a false impression of what it means to be a strong man, we should step up to be the true strong men who treat women with respect and teach our daughters and sons to expect the same standard.

So what can we do to make that happen?

We need to model and talk about the proper values of leading and submitting, and the proper view of romance and intimacy with our wives, our daughters, our sons. The next post, “Man up to Christian Grey, Fifty Shades,” will look at some thoughts on how that can happen.

© 2015 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

STEPSeek - 10-point checklistYou just finished reading “What’s a Real Man do with Fifty Shades?” in the Stepping Up blog for men.

STEPThink - 10-point checklistRead  more concerns about the book and movie in the article “Fifty Shades of Caution”  and the reader responses to it.

STEPEmbrace - 10-point checklistRead about another movie that opened Valentine’s weekend: “An ‘Old Fashioned’ Alternative to ‘Fifty Shades’.”

STEPPass - 10-point checklistTwo broadcasts, “Fifty Shades of Deception” and “Longings of a Woman’s Heart” point women to what’s really at stake.

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  1. February 13, 2015    

    What would you say to a young man who has read the book and while does not agree with the book or the movie has no problem indulging in the reading of it?

    • Scott Williams's Gravatar Scott Williams
      February 15, 2015    

      I would wonder why, if he didn’t agree with it, was reading it in the first place. My second thought (especially if the young man is a Christian) would be to tell the young man (or young woman for that matter) that it’s naive to think that it’s benign. Scriptural admonition and neuroscience tell us the troubling effects of entertaining things like pornography and erotica. The Fifty Shades material is demeaning to women as well. I would call this young man to stand up for women and against this kind of objectification. I’ll have more thoughts in the next post.

      • Ida's Gravatar Ida
        February 16, 2015    

        Agree— Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

      • February 17, 2015    

        These are good thoughts especially since this is a young man who professes to care for the women who are objectified and demeaned. I look forward to more thoughts from your next post.

  2. February 15, 2015    

    Excellent! !

  3. Beeker's Gravatar Beeker
    February 15, 2015    

    I would suggest actually reading the book before you say what happens in the book because the point that Ana made very evident is that she wouldn’t put up with what made her feel uncomfortable and more than one time he told her he wasn’t good for her. She pursued him. I am not condoning the book or the movie however if you are going to write a an article saying what is ok and not ok then you should probably know more than just what you read in the synopsis.

    • Scott Williams's Gravatar Scott Williams
      February 16, 2015    


      The synopses (plural) I read covered everything you mentioned. I didn’t think these points were necessary for the post. They don’t dispel the main point I was making that he started the abuse and kept it going. His behavior is very typical of abusive and controlling men, and her behavior is typical of women who become trapped in those types of relationships. Our focus at Stepping Up and the ministry of FamilyLife is calling men to higher, godly standards. We also desire that women and men develop healthy relationship, and there is nothing healthy here (whether or not the relationship is redeemed in the end). Too many men are given a pass on their behavior, and too many women are setting such a low bar for themselves and the men in their lives.

  4. Doug H's Gravatar Doug H
    March 10, 2015    

    An interesting survey I read said that while the book has sold however million copies, only 10% of the people who bought the book read past the first couple of chapters.

    • Scott Williams's Gravatar Scott Williams
      March 11, 2015    

      Interesting, Doug. I have read comments from a number of women (mostly Christian) who put down the book, either after they realized what it was about, or after they realized how poorly it was written. Many had begun reading it at the recommendation of friends.

  1. Man up to Christian Grey, Fifty Shades - | Stepping Up™ Blog on February 20, 2015 at 4:13 pm
  2. Real manhood: Black & white, not Fifty Shades of Grey - | Stepping Up™ Blog on February 24, 2015 at 7:37 am

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